How the consciousness of feeling failed and damned falls heavy on us when we go through pain – no matter how that’s caused, holding us down; My personal experience as a survivor of abuse and feelings of loss of a child,; Consciousness mapping to Occupy the Wound and reject mass consciousness suggestion.
I recently came across a historical case of a woman who lost her baby of three months, suddenly one day. The cause of death was written as “cholera” but as we now know that cholera does not kill babies in a matter of a few hours (while the mother is out) the whole case is suspicious. You know Ed, that I have a special gift of the Holy Spirit – the Gift of Suspicion.
Anyway forget that, what happened was that the mother never got over that. She did go on to have other children but a pattern developed and her life was marred by bouts of unexplained fevers, weakness to the point of being bed-ridden. The medication taken in the 1800s for such malaise was basically stimulant opiate drugs and those took their toll. She died at the age of 54 in a drug induced coma. They’d have called it an overdose these days, but then they don’t call it an overdose if you only took it on a doctor’s prescription.
(Just remember for all their talk, doctors don’t pay your funeral costs.)
Anyway Ed, you’ll forgive me for being bitter about it. It’s no small crime that was done, even though it was and is common enough.
After she died, her husband wrote in his journal, on the birthday of the little girl they had lost, that he knew that his wife had never recovered from the shock and loss of the little girl and that if that had not happened, his wife would’ve been still alive.
I knew what he had written was absolutely true. It’s a knowing you have in your heart when you love someone.
This affected me deeply because of events in my own life.
When I was eight, I was brutalized in a group ritual for trauma hormones extraction, organized by the Catholic Church my adoptive family belonged to (attended by other religions as well by the way). I only ever survived because of the sudden arrival of my Granddad John Waltham a few days later (a stranger to that family). They told him I’d fallen from the roof of the house – because only then could every joint and bone of a child’s body be dislocated and battered the way mine were.
I recovered as children do, and pushed the whole thing out of my mind for then… as children do. Later on however I began to face the truth and heal.
Many, many years later when I was pregnant with Gabriel, I felt the baby was a girl. I could feel her all the time. I thought I was having twins because I could clearly feel two bodies.
The day Gabriel was born, four hours before he was born, I felt the spirit of the baby I knew as the girl come out of me as if she had been born. She was no longer inside me. I was too busy screaming with every contraction to react to it then. Then Gabriel was born – a boy. I was as relieved and happy then as any new mom.
But a few hours later a horrific gnawing started in me – I wanted my girl baby. I cried every time I fed Gabriel, wanting to feed my other baby too. I cried when I changed him and cried when I swaddle wrapped him, and made his bed.
He was a rather loud demanding baby, but I wanted my other baby too. I wasn’t any less joyful about him, or any less longing for the girl. All at the same time.
It took me years Ed, and I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten over what happened.
The strange thing was… there wasn’t even a baby’s body. She’d just been a spirit being passing through my life.
Some people would call that some sort of imaginary being. The medical system is full of all kinds of “psychoses” of pregnant women.
Whatever it is, the fact is, to some extent I understand how it feels to have lost a child.
So when I read about the lady from the 1800s who never recovered from the loss of her child, I understood. The sorrow took one form after another and I understood that.
With these thoughts in my mind, I was dozing a bit yesterday in the afternoon, when I began to do this exercise Granddad taught me.
If you have a condition – say arthritis – you map its symptoms as “pain in the joints” and then you become aware of the center of the pain physically. You “occupy the wound“. And then you let your awareness lead on the path of consciousness from there to the start of the problem.
It’s something like opening a history book, putting your finger on an incident. Say, “Battle of Gettysburg,” and then looking up Battle of Gettysburg in another book, putting your finger on one particular event in the battle, and then looking up that particular event, zoning in on one particular person, then looking up that person and honing in one incident in his life… and so on.
It’s the consciousness path. You follow your instinct on it.
As I did, I realized that when a woman even FEELS she’s lost a baby there’s a consciousness of being failed that sets in. A very recognizable pattern because it’s all over the place.
As I went further though I realized to my surprise that this consciousness of being failed is actually the very same as the consciousness of being damned – which is a pattern I grappled with after that ritual when I was 8 – A consciousness of, “Nothing good can ever happen to me now”, “I’m destroyed, no one will ever love me.”
I realized to my surprise that the consciousness of the failed and the damned is the same thing.
The other day I was thinking Ed… about what hurts a person. And I thought, “The intellectualization of trauma.”
So what I’m saying next shouldn’t be taken as intellectual something, rather it’s something very real to the heart and its body, born out of first hand experience.
See Ed, if you tell someone who’s survived abuse or lost a baby (mothers AND fathers) that they should not feel doomed, or failed, or damned, or guilty, they’ll say yes, they know that. But still feel that way.
To be honest Ed, I never understood it till yesterday.
I remembered this video I watched on the internet of a man abusing a woman in a bondage “fantasy” movie. It wasn’t about sex though it was supposed to be. It was really about energy or spiritual submission.
Who knows how much of it was real or fake, but I was paying intense attention because I know that in moments of pain things reveal themselves that are otherwise hidden. I couldn’t watch much more but I remembered it for later.
Yesterday it came back to me. I remembered how the victim was crying in pain. I can’t say I could imagine the circumstances that led to her being in that situation, and why she wasn’t getting out of it. That’s the intellectualization of trauma.. see?
The thing was Ed, she was hitting a consciousness wall. She was crying because there was a point in consciousness that was hemming her in there taking that pain when she wasn’t even tied down.
She was there because the pain was holding her hostage. She hated it, but she believed she needed it.
And Ed, I looked for where that consciousness was that was holding her down like that, and I looked to see if it was the abuser’s mental projection or psychic suggestion to her.
But in moments of true sustained pain, the actual abusers disappear – because the spirit knows they are the tools not the force.
To avoid facing this phase of pain, a human can do all kinds of things.
I kept remembering that scene though and realized that the victim was not struggling against the abuser, but her own sense of destiny. She must be so unimportant, there must be no God watching over her, no man must really love her – that’s why she’s there holding her hands out while some ugly guy strikes her and humiliates her, treats her like an animal, for an internet video, for her to earn a living maybe, or maybe just to feel like she’s someone.
And I realized that that’s just the consciousness of the failed and the damned. We feel like we must mean nothing to God, or to anyone really – or how could we be made to go through such pain? Our destiny must be screwed. We’re cursed.
If we have religious instruction around – it’s not very hard to start thinking we’ve done some terrible thing in a past life and that’s why we’re going through blow after blow in life. We’re just not good enough – we’re not even worth some of the bastards and bitches we know who manage to not have tragedies and failures like we keep having.
I searched the consciousness Ed…. why is it that we feel that way… when in reality the simple fact is that there’s an abuser, who if they hadn’t found us would’ve been abusing someone else?
The simple fact that a person or a group, has made a choice to abuse a human – why does that not really figure as the main topic of focus???
Why is it all about our struggle with our own sense of worth and destiny?
I searched the consciousness Ed – What is it – this cloud of heaviness – a heavy consciousness pushing down on the victim?
To my surprise Ed, I found
it’s not the consciousness of the abuser so heavy, but the consciousness of previous victims